Sarah Xu

One of the most confusing parts of recovering from an eating disorder or chronic body dysmorphia is realizing this: your body can change faster than your brain can catch up. Not just emotionally, but also perceptually. Many people in recovery describe a strange experience where they know something has shifted—medically, nutritionally, or behaviorally—but their reflection, sense of size, or internal “map” of their body hasn’t updated. This isn’t denial, vanity, or failure; instead, it’s...

My body is an echoing cathedral built on shifting ground, its stained-glass windows warping every color into something sharper than light. When I walk inside myself, the floorboards remember every hesitation. They creak with the weight of ghosts I never meant to invite. There is a river that runs through me, thin as a wire, carrying reflections I do not recognize. The water keeps rewriting my silhouette, shaving truths into angles, turning softness into a language I am told I should be...

They taught us the body is a city the gods may enter at will. So I learned early how to lock my gates. Apollo came first— not with plague, but with measure. He laid his lyre across my ribs and said: only what is tuned survives. I listened. Demeter passed me by in winter. Her hands were full, and I pretended not to be starving so she would not stop. I told myself this was discipline. The earth believed me. I counted like a priestess. Seeds. Hours. Bones. Every omission felt like prophecy....