Ethan's ED Journey

“You’re fat,” said my dad, “Look at your teammates.” I had been playing soccer since I was 5 but at one point I stopped enjoying it completely. The purpose of playing had been lost. My father would tell me I was fat and my body looked wrong repetitively in order to make me go practice and work out. This made me more conscious about my body shape and weight than ever before and my motivation for playing soccer would change until I didn’t even know what it was for anymore. I already felt like I was abnormal and looked different from my teammates and I was afraid of becoming even more fat. I wasn’t having fun anymore and I worried more and more about my teammates judging me. My self esteem was crushed, and while playing all I could think about was not messing up and I performed poorly. I would eventually get demoted to a lower team, and I was deluding myself into thinking that it was because I was fat even when my dad no longer tried to force me to exercise.

I was so conscious of my body at this point that I was terrified of even going to the pool with my teammates. I was afraid that if I wore a top my teammates would judge me and think I was trying to hide my fat, and if I went shirtless I worried that they would think that I looked fat. I still remember going to a pool party with my team after the season ended and not wanting to go in the pool at all because I would have to take off my shirt. Eventually I decided to go in and I tried to suck my stomach in and hold my arms over my stomach so my teammates couldn’t see. Then one of my teammates asked me if I was doing that to hide my fat and even though he was joking, it drove me out of the pool to go get my shirt and made me rethink everything.

I increasingly started noticing that my friends were all skinnier than me and weighed less. I desperately wanted to be more normal. But I was too embarrassed and scared to ask for help. I was afraid of telling them my weight. I was afraid of them not liking me anymore. I thought that eating less than normal would help me lose weight. I would start skipping breakfast. I would start eating less during lunch and dinner and even skip lunch sometimes. I would start exercising more to hide that I was eating less to lose weight. In a month, I had lost 10 pounds and I thought that I felt happier than ever before. I was determined to continue even as I forced myself to endure the pain on runs with an empty stomach to quicken the weight loss. I thought that the amount of weight I was losing was normal and not harmful. I didn't think it was that serious. I didn’t even think I had an eating disorder. 

Then I had my wellness check. The doctor noticed my weight drop and she would continue to interrogate me. I denied everything because I didn’t think it mattered and I was too ashamed to admit that I cared about my weight so much. I was afraid of losing all the progress I had achieved. I didn’t want to receive help because I didn’t think I needed it. She told my mom that I should take a blood test to see if I was missing something that was causing my weight loss. She proceeded to have my mom leave the room and told me that losing 10 pounds while still growing was extremely unusual, and she suspected that I was purposely not eating. I didn’t realize that this was actually inhibiting my growth at that time as I was angry and scared because she told me that if my blood test turned out fine and I continued to lose weight then she would have to diagnose me with an eating disorder. When I got home, I begged my parents not to book the blood test. I promised I would eat more. I started eating more than I needed to and stuffing myself to the brim just to gain back the weight I had lost so I wouldn’t get diagnosed with an eating disorder. I stopped exercising entirely. I felt terrible every day feeling guilty for eating so much but I was also afraid of having to get help.

This continued for months until I started talking to Sarah Xu, the founder of The EmpowerED Initiative, more. Sarah was willing to be personal and share her mental health problems with me, and I started feeling more comfortable sharing with her and others. I realized that it was okay to get help and talk to people. It can be hard to talk to adults about this stuff but there are many other teens out there who have experienced similar situations, and The EmpowerED Initiative is trying to help by being vulnerable about their experiences and creating helpful resources. I remember reading about her ED journey, and I was extremely inspired and proud that she shared this in order to help others.

Even now, although I still struggle with my consciousness of my weight and body shape, I have been able to talk to my friends about it. They’ve been extremely supportive and helped me recover and find healthier ways to go about it.

Ethan smiling for a picture; photo courtesy of Chen