Unfiltered

I eat relatively normally. My weight is in a normal range. I can take a day off from exercising and not have an hours-long panic attack. And yet I’m not recovered. I remember reading at one point that you never recover from an eating disorder, and I feel like that’s true for me. Still, I guess there’s something still in my mind that says ‘I wasn’t that bad, and I’m still not that bad, and if I’m not recovered, it’s only because I never really had an eating disorder to begin w

“You’re fat,” said my dad, “Look at your teammates.” I had been playing soccer since I was 5 but at one point I stopped enjoying it completely. The purpose of playing had been lost. My father would tell me I was fat and my body looked wrong repetitively in order to make me go practice and work out. This made me more conscious about my body shape and weight than ever before and my motivation for playing soccer would change until I didn’t even know what it was for anymore. I al

With the idea of getting diagnosed with an eating disorder, there were two things that stayed in my mind: it will be official that I have this disorder, something so destructive and hard to navigate, but I will finally be recognized and heard for the awful things that I was experiencing. The last part was something that did not happen automatically, and that is unfortunately an experience for a lot of people with OSFED. OSFED (other specified feeding or eating disorders) is a

At the end of 2022, I made a promise to myself that would create an immense anxiety within me for the following years. I had a weird relationship with this promise; I loved it so much, but I also hated it with my whole heart. This promise was to exercise more in the following year, a normal and widely accepted New Year's resolution. But that wasn't truly my resolution. I wanted to become skinnier. That was my goal for the new year. And with that, I was going to do whatever it

Tan Laoshi slapped my trembling thigh, my knee automatically straightening on the ballet barre. I could feel droplets of sweat cascading down my neck and back as her scrutiny pierced straight through my skin. My breath hitched when my new dance instructor pivoted closer, her eyes swimming with judgement. She opened her mouth, and: “看来你寒假期间吃得有点太多了。” It seems that you’ve eaten a bit too much this winter break. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to take a pair of scissor

In my mind, secrets were never kept. Everyone all around me knew every aspect of my life, everything that upset me or every mistake that I made. However, I kept one secret from the rest of the world: my declining relationship with food. I was eight years old, sitting on my teal bed comforter and genuinely wondering if I could cut the fat off of my stomach. I wanted to "diet" throughout my elementary school years, a word I heard often in my household. My mother pointed out th