My Experience with OSFED

With the idea of getting diagnosed with an eating disorder, there were two things that stayed in my mind: it will be official that I have this disorder, something so destructive and hard to navigate, but I will finally be recognized and heard for the awful things that I was experiencing. The last part was something that did not happen automatically, and that is unfortunately an experience for a lot of people with OSFED.

OSFED (other specified feeding or eating disorders) is an eating disorder of many, but do not meet criteria to be considered any specific eating disorder. For me, I experienced a harmful cycle of Restricting (parallel to Anorexia Nervosa), binging (parallel to Binge-Eating Disorder) and purging (parallel to Bulimia Nervosa). My restricting did not cause severe weight loss, loss of hair, or most of the other symptoms regarding Anorexia. My binging did not cause severe weight gain, as I did not binge as much or as often as someone with Binge-Eating Disorder. And my purging was not very consistent; I wasn't throwing up after every meal and certainly not every day, making me not fit under Bulimia either. I felt like my pain wasn't enough, which is such a dystopian and harsh feeling to have. Most people wish for less pain, but I was upset that I didn't feel enough.

After going through a year of this experience, I told my mom. One of the first things she said to me after I told her this was that she didn't believe that I had one. Later, she would tell doctors that I was eating dinner with them and that she didn't notice any difference in my eating behaviors. What she didn't know, was that it felt like my mind was crumbling, it felt like my body was crying. I would restrict myself for hours to days, eating at most a dinner with my family, because I knew they would've suspected something if I didn't. Then, after these hours or days, I would fill my mouth with a sickening amount of food. And then, I would deposit everything in my stomach into the toilet. The physical toll this experience had on me was incredibly destructive, even if it didn't show on my body. It felt like I was stuck, I genuinely felt like there was absolutely no way out of this mess because I wanted it to work out. I wanted to get to the point of where I could not eat for days, weeks, or months. But just because I didn't have the look, I wasn't treated the same as those who do.

I've gone through recovery, I have done the work. But still, I don't feel like I'm treated the same as others who were diagnosed with a definite disorder. An eating disorder is not a physical disorder, and this is something that our community will always have to deal with. Having OSFED has taught me so many things about myself, but also about humans in general. To be the person to recognize others who do not show their struggles as loudly as others, is to have empathy and to have care. Be that person, in every way possible.