Am I "Normal"?

I remember looking at everyone around my family's dinner table during eating disorder recovery. I watched as my parents and my brother put potatoes, fish, chicken, or vegetables into their mouth without a second thought. Although they were able to confidently eat every night, I sat with food thoughts swarming my mind. "How many calories are in this" or "How much of this should I eat." In the beginning of recovery, I worried the most about food in particular. But as my recovery progressed, I focused more on the people around me and how they interacted with food compared to me. I started to realize how different I was compared to most of the people I surrounded myself with on a daily basis. My eating disorder started to feel like it defined me.

What does "normal" mean anyway? What does being "normal" really look like? I used to feel as if I needed to do the same things or look the same way as those around me to seem "normal". But I started to realize, quite frankly, how dumb this word is. This word, in my eyes, is dumb because everyone in the world is going through something. Everyone is different. This is a very basic idea that is taught to us growing up, but I think most people don't give it much thought because of how much we all strive to feel like everyone else.

I felt like a burden to my family because it felt like I was the only one going through mental health problems. But, my mother, sitting next to me at dinner every night, has experienced anxiety and depression throughout her life. My brother, sitting across from me, has dealt with perfectionism. And my father, sitting next to my brother, also dealt with anxiety and depression. It took so much thought for me to spike my food with a fork, put it in my mouth, and chew it. But, this didn't make me any less of a living, breathing, human being.

It's hard to accept the difference between you and others because of your eating disorder. But, once you start to understand that everyone is battling their own wars, you'll start to feel more connected to those around you - not "normal".